Molested, Raped and Abused…
“Suicidal I held a knife to my wrist
This feeling is overwhelming.this…”
‘The moment after being molested, and raped with little control over what is being done. Someone else taking pleasure in my pain. Shouting for help internally or externally – but by the time anyone hears my story the damage is done.
The mental torment when pictures replay in my mind over and over again. Some days turning to alcohol to drown out the thoughts and other days trying to sadate it with drugs. But the one thing remains that I cannot run away from what has happened. I know I have to live with it. But how do I live with feeling so unclean? Why was I chosen? Is there something about me that attracted it?’
This is just one of many heartbreaking stories and questions that I hear on a regular basis by people who have been abused. People soaked in pain due to actions of another. How do you live with a feeling that you have no answers to.
I can tell you from my experience of supporting others. That you have to learn to accept that You may never know the answers to all your “why’s?” “What” and “how’s” But one thing You can be assured is that “it is not your fault”. No matter the circumstances that led to your rape, where you were, what you were wearing, nor the fact that you had any sexual dealings with the person in the past. A ‘NO’ is a ‘NO’ and anything after that is non-consensual and classified as rape. I want you to know that- it is not your fault and you did not deserve what took place.
I am hoping by the time you finish reading this blog, you find your inner peace and start your healing. I don’t want you to be ashamed of what happened. “own your experience” and “re-write your story”. Be naked and unashamed in sharing your pain, so others know that they are not alone, and it is possible to find healing.
But it starts by not running. Stop running from what took place, it is important to speak about it and offload- it’s amazing the relief it brings, when you speak to the right person.
Be honest with yourself about the effects of rape or being molested had on you and work towards addressing this. Determine in your mind that you will not allow them to keep you in a constant state of mental captivity. Determine in your heart that you can get through this. It is not easy. But with every day that you determine and occupy yourselves with something positive, declaring out loud what change you hope to see. You will be surprised how far you come.
You are beautiful and your body is precious. So I apologise on behalf of those who evaded your space. They have taken enough, please don’t allow then to take anymore than they deserve.
I would love to hear your journey and if you wish to speak with me or want support. Send me an email at CrystalWilliamsud@gmail.com
“you are loved and highly favoured” (Bible scripture).
Lots of love and feel free to leave a comment!
Poem named ‘Untitled’ by Crystal Williams UD
Suicidal. Every day I wake up with my eyes on my wrist
A tear falls as I hold a knife to my fist
Focused I squint my iris
The feeling is so strong This…
Feeling is overwhelming yet the picture is deceptive
I wish someone could feel my pain be a little bit more receptive
My soul is malnutritioned it has been emotionally neglected
Looking for a savior in those who have rejected (it)
I seem to walk towards danger convincing myself that it is sane
I get hurt but I think I am addicted to this pain
I am not sure if I want comfort or I need something similar
So I keep walking into the pictures that seem so familiar
I was raped – (breathe) and had no one come to save me
I was raped, I cried out – but still no one could hear me
I was violated, intruded on and eventually released. Oh where is my dignity?
He let me go but in my mind I am trapped waiting on something to set me free
Sex and rape in my mind will always be related
Sex not something I can enjoy without being slightly faded
He looks at me, I look at him but when he touches me I freeze
He asks me what is wrong, and in my mind all I can remember is begging please
He says I am not seductive enough I need to flirt more
I would if I could erase past memories, please tell me what’s the cure
I hide behind my clothes as if it could save me
I am defensive and closed wish someone could teach me how else to be
Then I have sex without love, I am laying in an open grave
I faked it so well even I am amazed
I don’t even want to be there but my heart wont let me leave
I think I am in love but I know I am being deceived.
I just like living in my own lie, I love the taste of my own emotions
Messed up and erratic, dished out in portions
Holding on to the verge of life and blinded by tears I barely can see
I would cry out for help but when I do people tend to hear ‘use me’!!!
NB: Inspired by many who have lived through the pain, but are now on their path of healing.x