There is something I find intriguing which is how from young, a boy learns to please his mother; he learns how to melt her heart with his kind words and loving eyes. He is naturally thoughtful and protective of her and takes it almost as his duty. However when he grows up, he does not always transfer the same type of love he has for his mother to his partner. How is it that he can look at his mother with so much grace and integrity yet call another woman a degrading name and treat her so disrespectfully? He can shower his daughter with love and go out of his way to protect her, yet abuses another women right in her presence; hoping his daughter will marry a man the very opposite to him (if he is being honest with himself).
I was told that only weak men emotionally, physically and psychologically hurt women. I think it is beyond being weak and more about being insecure. I think men struggle with things that as women we will never fully comprehend but by no means does it make his actions acceptable. Until he learns to make peace with himself, he will not be able to love you the way you truly deserve. Instead he will try to bring you into his insecure and unhappy space.
Growing up around men I have identified four areas on insecurity
- Fears of failure
- Fears of being alone
- The need for affirmation.
- Self Perception
Fear of Failure
The fear of failure is so real to so many men that it almost becomes crippling. It is somewhat deep routed but always raises its ugly head. But…. For some reason He cannot afford to let the world see his fears, so he covers this with his masculinity and puts on a brave outer layer to distract others from what is really going on within. He is crying out for help but giving out the wrong signals; sometimes withdrawing completely and other times lashing out at others for not being where he thinks he should be. Therefore he gets the wrong responses in return. Just like a child who is fearful of the monsters under the bed, he too needs someone to put the light on and offer him reassurance that he too can make it and there is nothing to be fearful of. We cannot underestimate the impact of not having positive male role models around and the impact it has on young men.
Fear of Being Alone
He does not really like himself or his situation as much as he portrays and he desperately tries to run away from his own thoughts and feelings, to the extent that he ends up running away from himself his whole life. The more he tries to run away, the more he looks for things to occupy his time and the more fearful the thought of being alone becomes to him.
He finds himself attracted to women who appear strong, able to hold thier own and confident; every quality that he secretly lacks. He is dealing with internal issues and does not want to externally deal with the same issues within a woman that he himself is battling within.
When encouragement is spoken into his life it temporarily takes away that feeling of defeat within. Someone is able to see the potential within him! Even more dangerous he confuses that good feeling for a form of love. Even though in his heart all he really wants are those comforting words coming out of her mouth and that feeling she gives him, but as it comes as a package- he takes it and convinces himself that he loves her.
However when she gets close and his downfalls starts to affect her and she starts to verbalize this to him, he becomes angry, in fact he slowly begins to turn off her. He knows his own downfalls and does not want to be reminded. He knows what she is saying is true but he is still hurt with the blunt delivery and does not know how to deal with his feelings and the whole situation, so he deflects and may take it out of her. She is trying to help but he does not always view her approach as being helpful, he may even become bitter towards her without consciously knowing why. But deep within she is a constant reminder that he is not where he needs to be. He may feel emasculated and then begins to search for that thing that would take his mind away from those thoughts that he refuses to face e.g: being violent, taking drugs, having sex with multiple women e.t.c. A feeling of being in control, a feeling of dominance, a false perception of what a man should be, even though deep within he questions his own actions, but because he is able to get away with what he is doing he continues in that destructive manner.
On that note it is important for me to say that as women we have to be very mindful about what we accept and be clear about how we want to be treated. In the midst of a man’s insecurity we have to be careful that we do not loose ourselves or lower our standards nor divert our vision, just to appease him.
As men it is important that you learn to face your fears without lashing out on others. Learn to open up and be vulnerable to a good women who is able to hold you and support you lovingly through your journey. Be good to her and in turn her good to you and you will see that Love; self-love and shared love can be beautiful.
I will write about the need for affirmation and self-perception in the next blog and look forward to your comments. Let me know what you think you think so far. And follow me on facebook at: http://www.facebook.com/crystalwilliamsud
Lots of love
Crystal Williams UD
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